Before and After

                                                               

George left in March and it's almost time for him to come home. We are literally single digits away now. EEEEEEEK!!

I am so proud of my husband!
He is one of a kind. A rare find. When you find someone like George you hang on and never let go. We have been doing this Disco Dance of ours for over 20 years now. He puts up with my morning ritual which is don't talk don't look at me until I have my tea cause I may throat punch you. Which he makes every morning and its waiting for me when I crawl out of bed looking and acting like Medusa. He still loves me and sees past my annoying little habits, like putting the toilet paper roll on backwards, mixing up the silverware in the drawer( he loves that) lol and my ever changing attitude min by min. hahahaha
When he says good morning beautiful I feel pretty even though I look like medusa. He makes me feel like a princess.

So since we have been apart we both decided it was time to take care of ourselves. It was time to get real. We are both entering a different stage in our lives and we want to be healthy. I want to still run a 5 or 10km when I'm 80 and not be in a wheelchair. I want to be mobile. George loves weights he wants to look like a viking warrior when he's 80. So we needed to start. George has always been active and in pretty good shape. We all let ourselves go, George letting himself go is like 10-20 pounds overweight. He has always been conscience of his body and what he puts in it. That being said though over the years he has put weight on taken it off you know the cycle we do to ourselves. Why do we do this?? It's alot of work and not healthy for you. Me on the other hand I'm the opposite of George when I need to lose weight it's way more the 20lbs lol
I'm down 50lbs since he left and still have a bit more to go. I feel amazing. I so wish I took a before pic. This time for me a shift has changed in my thought process about weight, exercise, food.
I look forward to working out. I love seeing the changes in my body especially when I lose weight in my boobs. That is a  call for a party!! That just wants me to workout until I drop. hahaha

Anyways back to my husband my hero and more importantly my very best friend.
George was smart and took a before pic of himself and one taken a few weeks ago now.
With his permission and hesitation as he's very private about his body which he should be. He has allowed me to share his before and after pic.
When I look at this picture I mean of course I see muscles and and........ but the pride I feel for him. For digging deep and getting the job done. When George commits to something he's all in until the end. This time there is no end though. We have both agreed that we would keep each other accountable for his or her weight. We have allowed a 5lb window. If we put more then 5 lbs on it's time to get it off. You push a little harder in those work outs.


So here is George's before and after pictures. See what saying ladies. I did good eh??. Damn, double damn :P Hurry up and get home already!!!!!!!!!!

Thankful

As most of you know my husband is deployed and is due home soonish lol. yay!!! I am so thankful to those of you who gave me hugs or a pat on the back and said you got this girl. A huge thanks to my sister in law who has gone on countless dates with me. I think a few times the servers thought we were a couple hahaha. We all have busy lives and we forget what others are going through. I am so thankful for all of you who have a made an effort on those days when I was feeling meh and alone.

This blog is for a very special person though. Her name is Jane and she is my cousin. She lives far far away from me :(  Jane has been a constant bright light since George has been gone. She checks in with me all the time. I swear on the not so good days I would come home and there on Facebook would be a nice message from her. A note saying hi how are you i'm thinking of you.
Those little messages got me through xoxoxox
It's amazing how we have friends and family in our lives that you see and interact every day with but the ones that are the furthest away from you can have the biggest impact, and they don't even know it.
Thank you Jane for being my light at the end of the tunnel :)  xoxoxoxo

What's holding you back??

OK here we go are you ready for this? I'm going to let you in. I'm going to let myself be vulnerable.
This is hard for me. Really hard actually. Before we get to me though lets talk about you for a second shall we.
As you go through your days, weeks, months and years do you look back and reflect? How could I be better? What's holding me back? A job, a relationship, drugs, food. We all have something that makes us take pause and look at ourselves. Some of us don't like little things about ourselves like being short or to tall. Some of you wish you were skinnier so you could put that bathing suit on and go swimming. But you don't buy the bathing suit because you fear you will be judged. So you stay up on the beach watching your friends from afar splash around in the waves while you say no I'm good I'm just going to work on my tan in your capri's lol.
Why do we do this to ourselves? It's simple. Fear. We are letting Fear guide us in our decisions. We don't wan't to be judged.
So back to me:) As I was running on my treadmill this morning I was thinking about a conversation I had with my sister in law over a coffee date we had. We were talking about life and how we let certain things about ourselves hold us back.She told me she was working on a issue to make herself a better person. She also told me something about her physical self that she does not like and I was like what I don't see that at all. She does though everyday, I don't see it I just see her. It's a funny thing when she looks at herself she sees imperfections but I don't. When I look at myself I see a huge issue but she doesn't at all.
So I opened up to her and told her I love to run, but I love to run by myself away from everyone, because I don't want people looking at me. I don't know if many of you have noticed but I have a very large rack( see jokes to make myself feel better about them). I think in my head when I run everyone will stare at me and judge me and make comments and I don't want that. It makes me feel sad and lonely inside. I don't want to be known as the girl with the large breasts. Then she SAID IT!!
Oh is that why you have the piercings and the funky hair so that you will be known as the girl with the weird hair and piercings not the girl with the large rack. BINGO!! I'm busted!! Deep down inside I have always known this, no one has ever said it to me though. She got it! She got me! and for that moment I felt great. We connected on something that we both struggle with well hers isn't her boobs it's something else. We shared a fear that is holding us back from loving ourselves for what we are.
I have struggled with my large chest my entire life. I let it define me.When I should have just accepted them and loved me for me. So now I'm 42 and still dealing with it. Hiding from people and hiding from what I like to do. I like to run.

I am missing out on so many good moments. Moments that have been stolen from me, by me. So
Let me write that one more time in BOLD.
 MOMENTS THAT HAVE BEEN STOLEN FROM ME, BY ME!!
 Let that sink in Dawn. You are the only one holding yourself back.
There it is. I let you in. This is step one for me. Will I be running in group next month, hell no. This is going to take some time. Acknowledgement is the first step for me. I have alot of healing and work to do. One step at a time.I have to learn to love myself big boobs and all.

So What's holding you back anything you would like to share? Cause trust me I will not judge:)

Enjoying the little moments.

Happy Long Easter Weekend Everyone!!

Well it's been 3 weeks since George left. I'm still here and still kicking it :) I'm doing way better then I had thought I would. Keeping  myself super busy with running, fur babies, and so much to do around the house. Lots of painting also to do in the house, plus the nice warm weather is out so there will be lots of yard work to do.

I can't believe the amount of friends and family who have emailed just to say hi, send me funny posts and pictures. Even George's work mates who stop by to say hi and ask how I am. What more do I need. Feeling so loved. Thank you!! Sometimes those funny pics or just that simple text that said hey I was thinking of you made my day go from meh to yay!!

The count down is now on until I get to see my man. YAY!! George is doing good. Adjusting to his new life and new routine. He's even started running. This makes me warm and fuzzy inside. His first week there he got a wicked sun burn. So I laid the law down and he's now making sure to apply sun screen everyday.

Taking the time this long weekend to enjoy the little moments. Like sleeping in. Mitsou actually didn't start crying till 6am this morning. That was 2 extra hours sleep I got. Woohoo! Now sitting on the deck with the other fur baby Sheena listening to the birds sing and her snore lol, and loving the feeling of the sun hit my legs. I love Spring. Time for renewal. Love watching the flowers come back to life. The neighbours are out talking to one another. Everyone seems happy :) I'm happy!

Hope you all get to enjoy your own little moments this weekend! xoxoxoxo

Well that's what you signed up for!!!

" Well that's what you signed up for"


Dawn you don't seem like yourself lately you are so quiet and withdrawn. Anything wrong? If I tell you what's wrong consider yourself lucky. When I tell you my husband is leaving for 7 months and I'm stressed out and I have alot going on in my life right now the last thing I need to hear is "well that's what you signed up for". Really that's what you are going to say to me. This is why I don't talk to people. This is why I come off as a bitch sometimes. Why I don't do small talk cause I can't relate to most of you. Cause we are not on the same wave length.

"Well that's what you signed up for" That statement is 100% accurate!! I did sign up for this. You say that sentence to me like I'm supposed to have some switch in the back of my head that I turn on to robot status. That I take out my heart and replace it with a cold black iron heart. So what you are basically saying to me is suck it up. I think most of you don't even realize you have offended me. You have!! I'm not allowed to feel? It rolls of your tongue like nothing. Ya that really sucks Dawn but "that's what you signed up for" the bitch in me wants to yell you to go fuck yourself then bitch slap you. How about that really sucks Dawn I am here for you if you want to talk or go out for a coffee sometime. Compassion have you heard of it? I just walk away more annoyed then ever.


"Well that's what you signed up for"
When you see me and I smile and you and say good morning and I smile back and you ask how are you? I will always say great. Well I'm not great! I'm fucking sad and depressed and so tired. The first month he leaves I'm a complete wreck. I'm transforming into a new me. The strong independent one. The partner I had in life who did have half the responsibilities is now gone. It's all on me now. It's adjustment time for me. I'm overwhelmed, sad, lonely, sometimes I have panic attacks. I cry myself to sleep most nights. I'm scared of the unknown. Then I have a dog that lays by the door for days crying waiting for her best friend to come home. Sometimes I get so tired of luring her back to bed with treats so I can get a few hours sleep, I just grab a pillow and lay on the floor with her by the door and comfort her the best I can. Then I get up try to plaster a permanent smile on my face for the day and act happy. When inside all I want to do is cry. This isn't my first rodeo I do get into a new routine and start to adjust. I have good weeks and I have bad ones. Please be patient and try to understand I'm quiet for a reason I'm trying to get through the days as best I can. I'm not looking for sympathy or a hug I'm looking for understanding and smooch of compassion. So please think before you say that dreaded one liner to me. I'm human with emotions and extremely proud that this is what I signed up for.

Got Motivation??

Wow haven't wrote a blog in almost 2 years!! I thought this was blog worthy so here it is :)

10 weeks ago I had signed up for a Biggest Loser Challenge at work. I have never signed up for anything like this before. George was away on training so I thought what the heck I will give it a try and see where it goes. I have always been up and down with my weight over the years. I would start a work out for like 3 or 4 months and it would slowly fade out.
I wanted to get back into working out and eating better. The older you get the more you think of your health for some odd reason hahaha. So  I started the challenge with great results losing every week. Around week 3 I had a moment that I have never felt. It was like the light bulb finally came on. I became addicted to running and eating clean. I couldn't wait to work out. It felt weird to want to work out instead of dreading it. I used to be into long distance running back in my much much younger years. Starting it up again and falling in love with it all over again was an  amazing feeling.
So 10 weeks later 25 lbs down and feeling awesome. In that time I set out a goal to run 5km in 30min. I'm still 300m shy of said goal. I will get it though :) Don't know what is next but I do know that my motivation and determination to keep going is stronger then ever. All because of this challenge. It gave me the much needed push I needed to get started.
Now that my husband is home the drill Sargent that's deep down inside of him will make sure I don't fall back to old habits I'm sure. He is so proud of me and tells me every day while yelling at me get at it push harder all with love in his voice :P
This is the first time I did it for me and not for other people, or to feel wanted, accepted or pretty. I did it for me and that is a great feeling!!!! I want to be healthy cause that means the longer I will be around to drive my husband crazy.
So many miles have been ran and many more miles are yet to come. I'm sure there will be races upon races to sign up for as my love for running continues to grow.

Anything is possible when you set your mind to do it!!

It's all about the little things.

Well I started out today like any other. Got up had a cup tea and got ready for work. Little did I know what would be in store for me.
I went to go have a shower while George took Sheena out for a morning walk. I was all ready to head off to work when in comes my amazing husband from his walk. I look over and in the corner of my eye I see he is holding a box. He comes in with a huge smile on his face and passes me the box.
OMG OMG OMG I think time stood still for like 5 min. I was smiling and looked and him and said NO WAY!! WHAT! NO! COME ON! IS THIS FOR REAL?
 If you know me at all you know I'm not really into material things  For me it's all about the little things.
 Sure we all have things we like and that we just can't live without. As a whole I could live on very  little. Every once in awhile though someone or something comes into your life that makes you stop and  smile. Well of course my most amazing husband comes through once again.
 I know what your thinking this must be huge. Well it was huge for me. For you not so much. You will  probably think really that's it.
 Ok drum roll............................. What was George holding???
 A game not just any game. Superfection!!!!
 I have been after this game for a very long time. I found a few of them on ebay a few years ago but  they wanted over $100 for them. Why this game because as a child I had played Perfection but  Superfection was THE GAME. It brings me back to a happy time in my life. A simple time.
 George literally found it in a bin marked for free a few homes down from us. What are the chances.
 He was going to keep it a secret for my 40th coming up but he was like a kid and couldn't wait to see  the smile on my face :) :) :) :)  And smile I did :)
 Let's just say I am a very happy camper at the moment.

 It's in moments like this that I stop and say it's all about the little things.